Memorial Stadium, Bloomington, Indiana

 

To the Regents of the University of Indiana and The Government,

I am disappointed although admittedly not surprised that the university is preparing to erect a new, larger Memorial stadium without the consent or participation of my family, from whom the Stadium takes its name.  And yet, instead of taking this opportunity to once again revive the thick packet of grievances, insults, rude telegrams, slaps in the face both metaphorical and literal, and times that my father and I have been physically thrown out of meetings by the Board of Regents and their vanguard of square-headed Hench Men, I would like to offer the construction of a new stadium as an opportunity to make things right.  I am extending the proverbial Olive Branch.  All I ask for is that in commemorating the war dead, whose sacrifices I and my family deeply respect and also wish to honor, you also consider the stadium, in a small way, a memorial to the victims of Indiana's various Horror Creatures and Monsters that have been ravaging the good people of this State and for whom my father Vincent Memorial had asked to be included in this name for decades dating back to its original construction.  I have included my father's original letter for your the record:

Gentlemen,

I have seen in the papers that you are going to build a new football stadium called Memorial Stadium to honor the soldiers of the War. But if you are going to be commemorating people, you should also consider the many men and women and children who have been carried off and devoured by the Monsters and Ghouls haunting this particular State.  You probably know some of them like the floating eyeball out in Crawfordsville but there are dozens of known Creatures that go around lurking and haunting in the forests and the lakes and every year more citizens than you think are attacking people and putting them under the control of their Dark Magicks.  I humbly ask that these victims also be included in your your stadium as a Memorial to the brave War Dead and Victims of Indiana Monsters.

Several years ago, I had the misfortune of encountering one of these Creatures outside of Bruceville.  I had taken the cart out to gather some firewood and hunt for rare mushrooms. It was me and the horses and the old hound Spark and I guess we had lost track of the time looking around the creek because it had started to get dark pretty quick. Well we were on our way back because I knew my wife Patunia (it is a nickname I gave her, her real name is Patricia, to be honest she did not care for it) would be mad at me for dawdling again but at this point it was pitch black in the forest and Spark started howling and pointing and his fur was spiking up around his neck. I told him to quiet down but soon I heard some rustling through the leaves. Now I'm not a person who scares easily and I've heard every type of rustling there is in the woods, a deer or a coyote or even a every noisy squirrel so I immediately knew that was a different type of rustling.  We kept moving and the noise kept with us, like it was following us.  Then I heard a chomping noise, it was a loud wet noise, like nothing I've ever heard, a chomping and a slurping noise which was not of the Natural World, so I lit up a torch and then a few hundred feet behind us I saw the Monster. It was big and sort of looked like a person but it had gangly legs and a gigantic head and the largest mouth I've ever seen, the mouth took up most of the head and it was stumbling towards us and chomping and gnashing and drooling as it shambled forward. We high-tailed it out of there real fast and I told everyone about the Monster, I called it the Bruceville Biter, I thought that was a good name for it on account of the mouth.

A few days later my wife Patunia said she was going to go into the woods to get some firewood because she was sick of watching me sit on my behind (she did not understand the various Projects I had undertaken, you might be aware of the letters I had been writing to rename Terry Haute to Pterry Haute in honor of the flying prehistoric beast Pteranodon) and I begged her not to go into the woods because the Biter was in there but she ignored me. Well I waited and waited but she didn't come back so I headed out into those woods with the biggest rifle I had and I went back over to the creek. I heard the rustling and now I was following it and I listened for the chomping and I whipped the lantern around and nothing. It was gone. I even yelled out, come on out Biter. Bring my wife back you tooth monster. I was scared to death but I wandered those woods until sun up and I saw nothing.  I knew Biter had gotten my wife. The sheriff was help at all but I will not waste your time as I have written several letters about this already and it is not university business.

So as you can see there are hundreds of us suffering in silence on account of the government doesn't want to hear about monsters, but this is real. And even worse since these people vanish and the monsters do all sorts of Daemonic tricks for example I keep hearing from people that there's a woman who looks exactly like my Patunia named Patty Schulz married to a man named Frank Schulz up in Indianapolis and I urge you to explain that other than the machinations of a Beast operating with forces that we cannot understand.

Please consider the people lost to Indiana's monsters of the Forests and the Lakes when you are naming a memorial, for their loss hurts as much to us as the brave men who lost their lives in the War and weren't even dealing with mysterious Tooth Creatures who harm innocent people.

Sincerely,

Vincent Kubbnilk

As you know, the university regents have consistently ignored my father's requests.  They never responded to his letters and repeatedly removed the plaques he made and installed at great effort and expense to remember the victims of Crypto-Zooligical Creatures within the Stadium. My father even received no response from the regents when he legally changed the family name to Memorial in order to claim that the stadium was now named after his late wife.  But now, as you seek to build a new stadium bearing the Memorial name, you can undo the harm you have caused to not only my family but the hundreds of persons suffering from effects of attacks from Indiana's various Monsters. 

I look forward to appearing at the ceremonial Ground-Breaking as a representative of the Memorial Family.  As a gesture of good will I have purchased my own Golden Shovel in order to spare the taxpayers of Indiana any further expense. I also ask to be able to discreetly spread a portion of my father's ashes under the stadium, although I will of course carry most of them in a small pouch on my belt, as per his final request, so I can use them to blind any Monstrous Creatures that I may encounter and then make my escape or perform an opportunistic attack to the Monster's weak points including eye-balls, eye stalks, exposed brains or visible reproductive organs.  All we ask for is a small gesture to make up for the decades of insult and ridicule to our family name and to come together with the University to collectively mourn and celebrate our people lost to the horrors of War and Supernatural Monsters that terrorize the countryside.  The people of Indiana deserve that much.

Terrence Memorial