Gentlemen,
I
have recently learned that the State plans to use the former site of
Camp Randall as a grounds for the University Foot-Ball team. I expect
that the Grounds will attract much attention and excitement from the way
the great public embrace of this new exhibition of vigorous Man-Sport
as these youths smash and bash each other into smithered-reens on the
muddy fields and pits of this former Wartime Trainings Ground.
I
would like to propose a Lucrative and Satisfactory business arrangement
that would both bring prosperity to the good State of Wisconsin and
University. I am offering a large Sum that you could consider a donation
and symbol of my Investment in the state of Wisconsin and in the boys
you have trying to vigorously ram their Limbs and Skulls into each
other’s spinal-columns. This can be used to spruce up the field and
clear it of the thorns and animal droppings that often cover it and
cause Injury and Pestilence to befall the athletes and spectators. Or it
could be used to furnish equipments that would allow the lads to train
their neck muscles against the Twistings and Wobblings inflicted by the
most bludgeonous Opponents of the middle-west.
All
I ask in return is some acknowledgement of the monies I have donated by
allowing me to inform the intelligent and discerning Public who attend
these spectacles of Health and Vigor of some Products that I offer. It
would be a rather simple matter to change the name of the Field from
Camp Randall to Dr. Manoxko’s Re-Vitalizing Elixir for the Conditions of
Stupor, Lethargy, Reduction of Hair, Dyspepsia, Repepsia, Snoring,
Excess of Mucous, Paucity of Mucuous, Bile, Mange, and Re-Invigoriation
of Manful Activities, an Elixir suppressed by the Medical Authorities in
order to continue to subject the Public to their various Surgeries and
Medicines for their own Profit Field.
This
is a winning Deal for all involved: the State and University, which
receives a healthy sum to replace money that would be otherwise taken by
from hard-working Tax-Payers of Wisconsin to carry the burden of the
expense for the Foot-Ball squad’s bludgeoning sleds and bone-saws and
surgical laudanum, and the people of Wisconsin who will have an
opportunity to learn about an important and healthful Product that will
ease their Ailments.
I
am prepared to-day to ignore my complex business transaction
appointments and travel to Madison at a moment’s notice to deliver a
large and cumbersome display-sized Cheque that requires two or three
strong men to hold it aloft and deliver it directly to the Bursar to
deposit into the University’s coffers. I would also pay for the Signs
and Banners informing people about my products and even be willing to
stand upon an Apple Box or other sturdy platform and shout about the
many benefits and improvements offered by my world-famous Elixir which I
have given by the way as a gift to numerous Princes, Sheiks, Nizams,
and other Royalty around the Globe who have sought out my aid with their
medical problems as their quotations in my Pamphlets will attest. I
expect I will be granted a warmer welcome than when I was a humbler
peddler of Blood Serums and Wolf Urines and was man-handled and thrown
from the Capitol steps by a gang of toughs hired no doubt by the Medical
Doctors scheming with Legislators to prevent the public from getting my
miraculous cure-alls.
I
look forward to the grand opening of Dr. Manoxko’s Re-Vitalizing Elixir
for the Conditions of Stupor, Lethargy, Reduction of Hair, Dyspepsia,
Repepsia, Snoring, Excess of Mucous, Paucity of Mucuous, Bile, Mange,
and Re-Invigoriation of Manful Activities, an Elixir suppressed by the
Medical Authorities in order to continue to subject the Public to their
various Surgeries and Medicines for their own Profit Field.
Sincerely,
Dr. L.P.X. Manoxko, Surgeon, Esq.
Dr. L.P.X. Manoxko, Surgeon, Esq.
-----------------------
To the Gentlemen of the University and the State Legislature.
It
has come to my attention that you have received a most provocative
communiqué from the so-called Dr. Minoxko offering a large payment in
exchange for renaming the historic and hallowed university ball fields
after his useless elixir. I urge you to reconsider this deal as I and
anyone who has done business with this Minoxko fellow knows that his
medical expertise is in fact the lowest form of quackery.
I
have had many encounters with this ruffian, and I assure you he is no
more a doctor than I am a cudgel-back for the university foot-ball team
(I have enclosed an accurate portrait showing my feeble frame and
hunched posture that would allow even the weakest foot-ball player to
rearrange my skeleton on a basic scrimmage-brawl in order to illustrate
my point). Instead he is a shameless scoundrel, an invidious swindler of
the meanest type whose elixirs are actually concoctions of whatever
substances he encounters in the wild including poisonous herbs, mill
water, skunk spray, and even the various dungs of the animal kingdom
that he and his assistants whom he recruits from the darkest realms of
the criminal underworld mash up into a paste and stir into his swill.
Normally,
one would offer a person who allows himself to be persuaded to buy and
drink a concoction of axle grease and possum’s offal a hearty “caveat emptor,”
but Minoxko is causing grievous injury to his gullible customers. In my
travels, I have seen persons who have consumed his slop suffering from
Draughtsman’s Bowels, Railroad Vision, the Spills, the Wobbles, Cattle
Polyps, Reverse Gouts, and too many varieties of Diarrheas to mention in
a letter that is being sent to the government. Mr. Minoxko represents a
singular menace to the state of Wisconsin whose only business at the
foot-ball field should be as a dummy for the players’ thrashing
exercises.
I
have reason to suspect that the man who claims to be “Dr. Minoxko” is
actually the notorious swindler who has also gone by the names Ralph
October, the Rev. Laurence Mint, Zubuz The Formidable, and many other
aliases as he has traveled from territory to territory always one step
ahead of the law with his various schemes including as a dealer of
occult artifacts, a peddler of the most obscene types of pornographies,
and as the proprietor as a bear circus whose cavalier restraint of the
beasts nearly led to numerous maulings if the brave citizens did not
possess a ceremonial cannon used for the purpose of solemn memorials. I
assure you that the University of Wisconsin does not want to do business
with this type of slippery reptile.
It
is absurd to allow this man now going as “Dr. Minoxko” to purchase any
right to name the stadium after his fraudulent skunk-mixtures. If
anything, the stadium should be named for something wholesome. This is
why I propose that the University should accept a large sum from me in
order to name it Dr Jaed Jerenchki’s Full Body Health Serum: one sip of
this Invigorating Serum will clear you of Vicious Bowels, eliminate pain
from Joints, Muscles, and Organs, and give you the energy of a Bull
Elephant in his Uncontrollable Musth Rage Stadium at Camp Randall.
Gentlemen,
unlike Dr. Minoxko’s poisonous and foul-smelling concoction, my health
serum has been proven by rigorous scientific experimentation on rodents
and simians, with satisfied customers willing to trumpet its benefits to
all who will listen. Many have written me personally to tell me they
have been thrown out of dinners, pancake breakfasts, and other social
events by people tired of hearing them once again expound upon the
wonders of my health-ful serum. Moreover, my proposal, unlike the
grotesque one made by Dr. Minoxko, preserves the historic and popular
name of Camp Randall; the minor detail of my generous sponsorship would
be noticed only by particularly sharp-eyed and discerning foot-ball
patrons.
Dr.
Minoxko says he will present the University with an enormous decorative
cheque, but I would suggest researching the price of card-board
beforehand as that will be the sum total of monies that you would ever
be able to wring out of this slimy charlatan. I, on the other hand, am
willing to make a payment purely in specie in coins or in ingots that
could be delivered to the University accompanied by guards trained in
the arts of horse, town, and train-combat.
Consider
this a warning that any attempt to do business with the larcenous Dr.
Minoxko who is a known criminal who has left a trail of ruined lives
everywhere he travels will do nothing other than drag this august
university into scandal and ill repute. That is why I consider my own
suggested deal not only a sound investment for the future of foot-ball
at this university but a demonstration that the underhanded tactics and
disgusting thievesman-ship of the type practiced by this reptile Minoxko
are unwelcome in the state of Wisconsin.
Gentlemen
let us promote two important aspects of health and vigor together as we
combine my whole-some serums with the brave and delightful displays of
manful skull crushings that are synonymous with foot-ball in this great
state.
Yours,
Dr. Jaed Jerenchki
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