The Oaf Quarterly Table of Contents

Bring Your Champions, They're Our Meat is a blog about sports and many other things. Sometimes, these things include short stories in the service of recapping an unwatchable football game between Northwestern or Duke or because I had just read Ulysses and wanted to make Lists, or to make fun of P.J. Fleck. 

 

In 2022, every blog post during the football season ended with a short story about the fictional NCAA Pants Investigator Buck Duckett meant to evoke a particular author or genre. In 2023, I wrote a short story about attempting to collaborate with the coach of the next Big Ten game's opponent on a ridiculous "as-told-to" coach book. In 2024, with Northwestern moving from Ryan Field to a temporary stadium on the shores of Lake Michigan, I made up stories relating to Big Ten stadiums in the form of novel excerpts, political speeches, 1950s government memoranda, radio serials, etc.

The Oaf Quarterly is a home for all of these stories separated from the original blog post. 

 

 

The Chronicles of Buck Duckett, NCAA Pants Investigator

1. The Pants That Fly Through The Night (Generic Noir)

2. Enter The Serpent's Maw: A Buck Duckett Novel (Airport Thriller)

3. The Adventures of the Speckled Hem (Sherlock Holmes)

4. At NCAA Headquarters (The Pale King)

5. The Long Leg of the Law (P.G. Wodehouse)

6. Do Androids Dream of Electric Pants (Generic Cyberpunk)

7. The Evening Tree (Karl Ove Knausgaard)

8. Buck Duckett's Last Pant (Glossy Magazine Profile)

9. The Indianapolis Express (Charles Portis)

10. Indiana Poetry Corner (Pale Fire, interpolating Indiana by Arthur Franklin Mapes)

11. The Pants From Beyond (Generic Horror)

 

12. Choose Your Own Buck Duckett Adventure

BIG TEN COACH AS-TOLD-TO STORIES 

1. Boats and the Rowers That Row Them: A Guide to Winning, Life, and Staying Afloat by P.J. Fleck

2. Roar From The Valley- How Winners Win The Winning Way: A Frank Jackman Novel

3. The Matt Rhules: A Guide to Success on the Football Field and in Life

4. Lock in Success the Mike Locksley Way

5. Going Iowanfinite: The Rise of a Football Revolutionary

6. Football Leadership Book, by Luke Fickell

7. Journey to the Heart of Madness: Ryan Walters's Guide to Success in Football and in Business

8. Bieliem It! The Bret Bielema Motivational System

9. I Will Never Tell You the Secrets of Success on the Field or in Business, by Coach X [The World's Only Skip Holtz-based Noir]

BIG TEN STADIUM STORIES

 

1. Washington: Husky Stadium An Arena for Bear Mentalists 

 

2. Indiana: Memorial Stadium A Memorial to Victims of Indiana Cryptids 

 

3. Maryland: SECU Stadium An Experimental Cold War Technology Center 

 

4. Wisconsin: Camp Randall Stadium A Nineteenth Century Battle for Naming Rights 

 

5. Iowa: Kinnick Stadium A Paranormal Discovery in Construction 

 

6. Purdue: Ross-Ade Stadium A Candidate Politicizes Stadium Building 

 

7. Ohio State: Ohio Stadium aka "The Horseshoe" A Professor Proposes an Alternative Use 

 

8. Michigan Stadium aka "The Big House" A Conrad Mustangs Serial Radio Adventure